


Things You Said

by writerforlife



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-01 13:24:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6521566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writerforlife/pseuds/writerforlife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At all times, in all places people say things and have conversations. Some conversations lead to happy places, while others lead to sadder places. </p><p>A series of one-shots featuring Ronan/Adam and Blue/Gansey based on the "Things You Said" prompts</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Things You Said When You Thought I Was Asleep

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by prompts I saw on Tumblr, "Things You Said When..." You can find the prompts here:  
> [Link text](http://s749.photobucket.com/user/eloriee/media/meme/meme_zpsp3hxbn9v.jpg.html)  
> They're going to be Pynch and Bluesey!

Ronan was curled up in Adam’s bed in his small room over St. Agnes, Adam’s arms around him. What they had was still fragile, still new, but it was present and that enough was alone. Ronan still couldn’t believe that Adam truly wanted him, that he wanted  _ this _ with him. With Adam’s arms around him and his head resting on his, though, it was easier to believe. For once, Ronan was relaxed, and felt like the dark was embracing him rather than suffocating him.

They had fought earlier, and it was their first fight since becoming whatever they were now. Adam had been studying, Ronan had been listening to music, and said music had been too loud for Adam’s taste. Adam had blown up, nearly thrown all of his schoolwork through the window, and had backed Ronan into a corner. It wasn’t as if Ronan was giving it back to him. He had been shouting at the top of his lungs, really about nothing when looking back. Then, in the middle of a sentence, Adam had fallen quiet, his eyes wide, his lips trembling, a vein in his temple throbbing, and walked away. He had stormed out and hadn’t returned for nearly an hour. Ronan had just curled up on Adam’s bed and laid there, not letting himself think too much. 

When Adam returned, he slipped into pajamas and then into bed with Ronan. His cold arms had been a shock against Ronan’s bare chest at first, but they soon warmed. “You weren’t sleeping, were you?,” Adam had whispered, pressing a kiss to Ronan’s forehead and then cheek. Which meant that he was apologizing. 

“Fuck off,” Ronan had mumbled, nestling his head into the crook of Adam’s neck. Which meant that he forgave him. 

Now, they weren’t speaking, and Ronan assumed that Adam had gone to sleep, but he felt Adam shift under him.

“You awake?” Adam whispered, his Henrietta accent prominent. Ronan kept his eyes closed and didn’t reply. He couldn’t be bothered to reply. Adam probably just wanted to go to the bathroom and didn’t want to disturb him if he was sleeping. 

What he didn’t expect, though, was for Adam to sigh and start speaking. 

“When we fought earlier, I was really mad,” he began. “I could feel my blood boiling and I wanted to hit something. That’s when I got scared. I realized that that’s my father in me, and I don’t want to be that.” At this, Adam’s voice shook and his grip on Ronan tightened. “I don’t want to be anything like him. I can’t be anything like him, because he destroys everything. I can’t do that, but just knowing that that’s in my blood is the worst thing. And most of all, Ronan, I can’t destroy you. I can’t bring you down to where I am.” Something wet hit the top of the Ronan’s head. Adam was crying. “If I had hit you tonight, I never would have forgiven myself. Ever. I don’t see how you can like me. I’m nothing. I pretend to be something amazing right now and I may be something amazing someday, but I’ll always be dirt, no matter what I do. There’s so much change coming, Ronan, so much you don’t know about, but I swear this to you, and I’ll swear it again when you’re awake, but you’ll come through this okay even if I don’t.” Adam sighed again. 

Ronan didn’t dare move. He knew that he hadn’t been supposed to hear any of what Adam had just said, and it was taking all of the little self-control he had not to sit up and reply to everything Adam had just said. He wanted to tell him that he was nothing like his father and he never would be, that even if he had hit him, he would have been forgiven, that he was so much more than what he thought of himself. But if he sat up and said all that, Adam would be mortified, and he would most likely never open up like that again, even when he was asleep. However, he would make sure to address everything Adam had said little by little in a manner that didn’t make Adam suspect a thing. He would remind him of how he was nothing like his father, how he loved him more than anything, and how he always would. Even if Adam didn’t listen, he would tell him these things

Ronan felt Adam shift so that he was lying down, his arms still wrapped around Ronan. “I love you,” Adam whispered, and soon enough his breathing evened out, something that relaxed Ronan. Slowly, he drifted to sleep as well. 


	2. Things You Said At the Kitchen Table

It was nearly midnight when Blue heard Calla shout her name. Calla’s voice was Earth-shaking, demanding to be heard, so even though she was immersed in a book, Blue went downstairs.

She found Calla in the kitchen regarding a tousled Gansey. Calla regarded him like he was a bomb about to go off, giving him a wide berth with her face scrunched up. Blue switched her glance to Gansey. His hair was messy, unbrushed and every strand pointing to a different corner of the kitchen. He was wearing his wire glasses, and even though he was wearing a hideous polo shirt, it was unbuttoned and wrinkled. Blue felt her heart thudding against her chest and hoped that nobody could hear it. 

“Hey, Jane,” Gansey said with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. 

“Hey, yourself,” Blue replied. Calla snorted.

“I’ll leave you two to do whatever you do.” She stalked off and shut the bedroom door with more force than necessary.

“She and Ronan together could either save the world or burn it down,” Gansey quipped. He sat down at the kitchen table and lined the salt and pepper shakers up with each other. 

“Or both.” Blue boosted herself up on top of the countertop. A couple moments passed in silence, but it wasn’t the type of silence where the other person didn’t know what to say. It was the type when nobody wanted to say what needed to be said. 

“I don’t suppose you know how to make any of your mother’s teas?” Gansey asked, not quite looking Blue in the eye.

“I pride myself in  _ not  _ knowing how to make those.”

“Don’t they help control feelings?” 

“You must be feeling something strong if you’re resorting to Mom’s tea.” Blue hopped down from the counter and took a seat across from Gansey. 

“Mild anxiety,” said Gansey. 

“With you, mild probably means soul-crushing.”

“Not that bad.”

Blue took a deep breath. She took in Gansey, the way he was examining his hands like he had never seen him before, the way he had a little bit of stubble growing on his jaw, how he looked so alive, and knew she had to say something. She had been greedy so far, keeping every little interaction they had on a pedestal in her memory, hoarding them away for when she wouldn’t be able to get any more. That couldn’t be the way it was. “Gansey, I have to -”

“I know I’m going to die, Jane.” Gansey swallowed hard and tried to line up the salt and pepper shakers again. When he looked up at her, she saw that his eyes were watery. He laughed a sad laugh, the one people did when they were trying desperately trying not to break down. “I’ve known since we first met. Well, not the exact moment we met, but soon after.”

Blue had no idea how to respond. For one of the first times in her life, her mind was completely blank. It felt as if everything in the world had shrunk to a quarter of its size and it was only her and Gansey sitting at the kitchen table and staring at each other with the shared knowledge of what was to come. Then, she snapped back to the real world, where Gansey was staring at her, the very picture of grief. 

“How did you find out?” she heard herself ask. Nothing felt real. 

“I just knew. I tried not to think about it, but it’s coming.” He swallowed hard and looked away from her. “It’s coming soon. I can feel it.”

“I know,” she whispered. “So can I.”

“I can’t tell Noah and Adam and Ronan.” His voice cracked on Ronan’s name. Blue knew why. Ronan had already lost so much. Gansey, ever thinking about others, didn’t want Ronan to lose more. 

“Adam figured it out,” Blue said flatly. The time for pretenses was over. “He asked me about it. I didn’t want to tell him, but he kept asking.”

“Of course he did.” Gansey chuckled and put his index finger on his forehead and his thumb on his cheekbone. “Ronan?”

“He doesn’t know.”

“I’ll have to tell him,” Gansey sighed, brushing his hair back. “I can’t not let him prepare.”

“We’re going to save you,” Blue blurted out. “We’re going to do it.”

Gansey smiled sadly. “Jane, the day I kiss you is going to be the best day of my life.” He stood up and pushed in his chair. “Thank you for talking me out of drinking that tea.” He started for the door. 

“Wait!” Gansey turned around and Blue stood up, but she didn’t know what she had wanted to say. She just tried to smile at him instead.

“Drive safe,” she muttered, her face turning red.

Gansey chuckled and glanced at his feet. “I always do.” He opened the door, stepped into the night, and was gone. 


	3. Things You Said When You Were Crying

It was four in the morning when there was a harsh rapping on Adam’s apartment door. He dragged himself from bed, noting a crash of thunder outside. It wasn’t as if he was sleeping. Lately, sleep was not something that Adam regarded kindly. His dreams were filled with horrific dream creatures and blood dripping from his hands and Gansey lying in his coffin, his face slack and his chest still. It was easier not to sleep. 

He opened the door to find a rain-soaked Ronan Lynch, his face stony and his eyes steely. Adam stepped aside to let Ronan in, but Ronan just stood in the doorway, his shoulders heaving. “You knew,” he hissed, his voice like steel. “You fucking knew.” He stepped inside and stood in the middle of the apartment. Adam shut the door behind him, dread pooling in his stomach.

“What did I know?” Adam said quietly. 

“You fucking knew that Gansey was on Maggot’s goddamn death list. She told me.” Ronan kicked Adam’s bed, causing the frame and Adam to shudder. “Goddamn, Adam, you knew he was going to die and fucking sat around and did nothing to keep his chest from becoming a fucking knife rack!” Ronan’s voice grew to a shout. He stepped closer to Adam, their faces only inches away. 

Adam felt his heart beating out of his chest and his throat go dry. Usually Ronan being this close was fine, welcome, and comforting even, but Adam just felt trapped. “I… I didn’t want to trouble you,” he whispered. 

“Trouble me?” Ronan asked in a dreadful whisper. “You knew that our best friend was going to die.”

“I did.” Adam replied, taking a step back. Ronan followed him. 

“And you didn’t tell me.”

“I didn’t.”

“You let everything between us happen while you knew all this.” Ronan had backed Adam into a corner. “You fucking kissed me and told me that everything would be okay, but you  _ knew _ that Gansey would be dead! I would have done something about him! I would have kept him alive! If I had known, I would have had the balls to do something!”

“You wanna talk about being brave? Being brave was trying to enjoy every last minute I had with him. I didn’t want you to have to think about that.”

“You weren’t brave. You’re a fucking coward,” Ronan hissed, and Adam blinked before ducking under Ronan’s arm. He opened the door. 

“Get out,” he hissed. Ronan had the decency to walk out. He slammed the door behind him, and Adam sank onto the bed. Ronan had just said everything he had been thinking ever since Gansey had died. It was true. Everything was true. He held his head in his hands, but didn’t cry. He had already cried all his tears. 

Not even ten minutes later, Adam’s door opened. He looked up to see Ronan in the doorway again, his shoulders hunched this time. Ronan stepped forward, and Adam was about to tell him to get out, but Ronan began to speak.

“You aren’t a coward,” Ronan said, his voice trembling. He sat down next to Adam but didn’t look him in the eye. When Adam really looked at him, he saw tears trailing down Ronan’s cheeks. “You’re the bravest person I know and if I had lost both you and Gansey that night, I don’t know what I would have done.” The tears were coming faster now. Ronan tried desperately to wipe at his eyes, but he was crying too hard, now. Adam watched with a sense of morbid fascination as Ronan’s shoulders shook. “I tried to hate him,” he choked out, his voice thick. “I tried to hate him for leaving us. I couldn’t. I tried hating you and I thought I could but I can’t.” Ronan buried his face in his hands. “I never could.” 

Adam couldn’t take it any longer. He wrapped Ronan in his arms and pulled him against his chest. Ronan instantly buried his face in the crook of Adam’s neck. Soon enough, the collar of Adam’s t-shirt was soaked through with tears, but he didn’t care. He rubbed circles on Ronan’s back as he sobbed, but he didn’t bother with telling him that everything would be okay or that he was okay. Right now, Ronan wasn’t okay, and neither was he. They were both incredibly broken and hurt because of a Gansey-sized hole. Nothing would ever fill that hole completely, but with time, it would shrink. Now, though, he let Ronan cry and just held him tight. When Ronan didn’t have any more tears, they laid side by side on Adam’s bed, not speaking.

They weren’t alright, in fact they were far from it, but they would be someday. 


	4. Things You Said When We Were the Happiest We Ever Were

“You can’t not know how to dance!” Blue exclaimed. She leapt from the couch and set her hands on her hips. Gansey watched as she took a few agitated steps then whirl around to face him.

It was a lazy Sunday, and he was alone with Blue in Monmouth. Ronan had gone to Adam’s. That was something that still perplexed Gansey. Ronan and Adam had always fought about everything, yet now, it was uncommon for them to be apart. Gansey had his suspicions, but he didn’t want to question it for fear of upsetting something fragile. He figured it wasn’t his business, just as the time he spent with Blue wasn’t Ronan’s nor Adam’s business.

“I am, in fact, a dreadful dancer,” Gansey confirmed. 

“Even with all the fancy parties?”

“We don’t dance that much! It’s mostly talking.”

“Right, because all politicians do is talk and talk and talk.”

“Well, how do you know how to dance?”

“Mom taught me one afternoon.” Blue turned to Gansey and held out one of her small hands. Gansey stared. She was wearing no less than ten bracelets, some handmade with colorful beads and others pieces of ribbons and leather braided together. The jewelry was so quintessentially Blue that Gansey had to take a moment to regain his breath.

“Are you just gonna stare at my hand?”

“Right, right!” Gansey hastily wiped the sweat on his palms onto his shorts and took Blue’s hand after hesitating for a moment. He let her pull him to his feet.

“Do you have speakers or something for music?”

“I have a record player.”

Blue laughed as he went to the old record player in the corner. “Of course you would have a record player.”

“I’m an old soul, Jane” Music filled the air, and a smile slowly grew on Blue’s lips as she recognized the deep voice.

“Elvis!” she exclaimed, grabbing Gansey’s hands again. He felt his heartbeat pick up speed.

“Alright, teach me how to do this.”

“Right, so put your right hand here,” Blue began. Her eyebrows were crinkled and her tongue was sticking out slightly between her lips. She guided his right hand to the small of her waist, and he felt as if his chest was on fire. “Then hold my right hand with your left hand.” They interlocked their fingers, and when Gansey glanced down at Blue, she was gazing up at him with wide eyes. 

“It’s really easy from here,” Blue said. Her voice was soft since they were so close together. Gansey could hear her heart beat and feel her chest rise and fall gently against his.  “Just move with the music.”

Gansey inhaled and resisted the urge to pull away. This was too much, too dangerous. Blue was too close to him. His hand was on her waist, his other hand was holding hers, and if she leaned her head in ever so slightly, it would be resting on his chest.

Blue started to pull away, and Gansey cursed himself. She must have sensed his discomfort. He tightened his hold on her. 

“This isn’t dangerous,” he said. It was a blatant lie, but he wasn’t Ronan. This was as dangerous as gasoline next to fire, as dangerous as driving at over one hundred miles per hour down a winding road at midnight. “We can do this.”

A small smile spread across Blue’s face again. Gansey let go of her and went over to the record player. “This one is better,” he said. Blue smiled, this one the most genuine. She held out her hand, so he took it and spun her in a circle. A giggle escaped, and Gansey felt his heart soar.  _ Again. I want her to laugh again _ . He spun her again.

The song eventually changed, but they continued to dance. For the first time in a very, very long time, Gansey felt happiness filling the hole in his chest that anxiety usually resided in. Blue was nothing short of radiant. He could’ve watched her dance, all spiky hair and shredded clothes and scraped knees, forever. 

“You suck at dancing,” Blue said breathlessly. 

“There are a lot of things I can’t do, Jane.”

_ Can’t Help Falling in Love  _ came on. In a moment of bravery, Gansey placed his hand on her waist and pulled her in close. She must have been feel brave, too, as she let her head rest on her chest. 

Late afternoon sunlight poured through Monmouth’s dusty windows, casting shadows over the miniature Henrietta and illuminating Blue’s face.

“I think I could live in this moment forever,” Blue whispered.

“Being happy is a drug. Of course you could.”

“Don’t tell me you don’t feel it, too?”

Gansey smiled and rested his forehead on the top of her head. His worry would come later tonight, when she was gone, but for now, it seemed thousands of years off. “Trust me, Jane. I do.”


	5. Things You Said While We Were Driving

For Ronan, watching the road and stealing glances at Adam was a precarious balance. Four seconds watching the road, two seconds watching Adam. He figured that every driver’s education teacher in a fifty-mile radius would be coming for his blood, but Adam’s feet were propped up on the dashboard, his hands were behind his head, his eyes were closed, and his head was tilted back, exposing his throat. Every glance he took at Adam made the small chance he had of crashing the BMW seem far off and completely minuscule. 

“If you wanna stare at me, you should just pull over,” Adam murmured. His eyes were still closed. Moonlight bathed half of his face, making him all shadows and light. 

Ronan felt his face heat up, and he kept his eyes straight ahead. “Why do you assume that I was looking at you, shithead?”

“Because about every four seconds, the car swerves, then it goes back to normal, then it swerves again. Figured you weren’t watching the road.” Adam sighed and sat up, his eyes opening to reveal bleary blue irises. 

“You’re too fucking smart, Parrish.”

“You’re too obvious. Lynch.” They fell into silence, but not an uncomfortable one. Ronan felt Adam watching him, and he wished he didn’t care about what Adam’s exact thoughts in that moment were.

“Why do you like me?” Adam blurted without warning.

“I don’t.”

“Come on.”

“Seriously, this whole thing has just been a big fucking -”

“ _ Ronan _ .” Something in Adam’s voice made Ronan’s mind hitch. “I’m being serious here.”

“You’re asking me to be completely serious while we’re driving in the middle of fucking nowhere at three in the morning and I’ve had a beer.”

“Absolutely.” Adam was leaning forward slightly, staring at Ronan with a piercing gaze. If looks could cut, Ronan would be sliced open. 

“Why now?” 

“Because I want to know.”

“Why?” He knew he was being difficult and evasive, but he didn’t want to stop. 

“Stop being a dick.” Apparently Adam knew, too, but he wanted him to stop. 

“You really wanna know?”

“No, I’ve just been asking for the past five minutes for my health.”

“Okay.” Ronan fell silent and couldn’t contain a chuckle, but Adam just sighed and leaned back against his seat again. 

“Forget it,” he muttered, and turned his head to the right so that he was staring out the window. Ronan now had a perfect view of his jawline. He swallowed hard.

“I like you because you’re you,” he said in a low voice. Adam didn’t move, but his jaw twitched every so slightly. “No matter where somebody puts you, you stay you. You may flatten your accent or something dumb, but you’re always the hardest worker and smartest person in the room. Except in Latin, because that’s me. But I guess I’m sort of cheating. Anyways. You’re tough. You have so much pride and you’re so determined to become something, but you don’t realize that you already are something amazing. And that’s why I like you. A lot.” Ronan felt his face heating up. Adam hadn’t moved. “But you’re fucking stupid because you put your goddamn cold feet on my legs when I’m warm. Next time you do that I’m dreaming a fucking machete to cut them off.” In actuality, Ronan would dream him some thicker socks.

Adam didn’t laugh. In fact, he didn’t say anything. Ronan felt like his heart was trying to climb out of his mouth. “Parrish, you do realize that -”

“Thank you,” Adam whispered with a slight tremble in his voice. His hands were clasped and his head was bowed. Ronan pulled over to the side of the road and stopped the car. As the car came to a stop, Adam bowed his head and rubbed his temples. 

“Are you fucking dead over there, Parrish?” Ronan asked. 

“Just. That. That was a lot at once,” Adam murmured. When he looked over at Ronan, there were tears in his eyes. Ronan knew Adam, though, and he knew those tears wouldn’t fall. He leaned over and cupped Adam’s cheek and kissed him gently. Adam gasped and grabbed onto Ronan’s shoulders. He pulled back and gazed at Ronan with wide, soft eyes, then leaned back in so that their foreheads were touching. “I…. I lo -”

“You don’t have to say it if you aren’t ready,” Ronan blurted out. He didn’t want to force Adam into saying anything he didn’t want to say, and he wanted Adam to know that. 

Adam ran his hands down Ronan’s chest with care and played with the waistband of his pants. He kissed Ronan on the lips with the utmost care. After lingering for a moment, he leaned back onto his seat.

Ronan began driving. Adam stared out the window again, his brow crinkled in thought. They drove towards St. Agnes in silence.

It wasn’t until they turned onto the street of the church that Adam said something:

“I love you,” he whispered, almost too quietly to hear. Ronan heard it, though, because he always heard Adam no matter what he did or didn’t say, and nearly swerved off the road. When he glanced over, Adam was staring down at his hands. 

Ronan opened his mouth to respond, but the words were caught in his throat. He had never thought he would get to say those words to Adam. “I love you, too. Fuckwad.”

Adam chuckled, and Ronan could see his eyes become brighter and his brow relax. “Glad we sorted that one out.” 

Adam’s hand found Ronan’s. They stayed like that for the rest of the drive.


	6. Things You Said That I Wasn't Meant to Hear

It had been all too easy to fall asleep in the Camaro. She, Gansey, Adam, and Ronan were coming back from Cabeswater, and they had stayed longer than intended. It was late, now, and stars dotted the sky like freckles on a dark face. Surprisingly, Adam hadn’t been the first to fall asleep. It had been Ronan instead. He had leaned his head against the window and passed out, Adam glancing back at him with a half smile from time to time. Blue had fallen asleep next, but she was awake now, and could hear low murmuring. When she turned her head to the side, she realized that Ronan was still asleep, so it was Adam and Gansey talking. She kept her eyes closed. They weren’t talking about anything important, just homework and math concepts. 

However, Gansey soon fell silent. “Are they both still asleep?” he asked after a moment.

Blue heard a low crackling of someone shifting in a seat. She figured Adam was turning around to check, so she kept her eyes closed. They didn’t need to know that she was awake. 

“Yeah, they’re both out cold.”

“Good,” Gansey murmured. “There’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about.”

“Good or bad?”

“Not sublime.” There was a tapping sound, and then Gansey began to talk again. “I know that you know I’m Blue’s list. From St. Mark’s Eve.”

“How did you find out?” Adam sounded somewhere between betrayed and confused. “Wait. Blue told you, didn’t she?”

“She told me everything awhile back.”

“Of course she did.”

“That wasn’t the main thing, Adam. I assume Blue is going to kiss me shortly before it happens. After I die, I want you to make sure she’s not alone. I know she won’t do anything unreasonable, but I still want you to watch out for her and make sure of that.”

“Why are you trusting me with this?” Adam’s voice was trembling.

“Because you’re strong. And I know you’ll do this without me asking, but you have to look after Ronan as well. Take his keys for a little bit, no alcohol, nothing sharp, make sure he’s not alone, keep Declan away and bring Matthew around.” Gansey recited the list like he had been thinking about it for a very long time. “You didn’t see him after Niall died. I don’t know how he made it through.”

“It’s because of you!” Adam exclaimed. Blue heard creaking sounds again and heard Adam’s neck crack. “Gansey, the reason any of us are friends is because of you,” he whispered. 

“Maybe at first,” Gansey replied calmly. “Look at you and Ronan now.”

“We were going to -”

“That wasn’t an accusation. It’s good. He’ll have somebody for… after.”

Neither one spoke for a very long time. Blue felt like she was suffocating. She wanted to open her eyes and scream that she had heard everything, to protest that they were going to save Gansey, to do anything but sit frozen. 

“Gansey,” Adam whispered brokenly. “What are we supposed to do afterwards?”

“Go on with your lives. It’ll be fine.”

“How are you so  _ calm  _ about this?” Adam whisper-shouted. “This is your life!”

“Because, Adam, if I’m not calm, then I’ll be very, very afraid to die. I figure I can’t do anything to stop it, so I’m not thinking about it. And that helps me to be calm. I also don’t want to wind Ronan up again. He doesn’t need to think about it.” He went quiet, and suddenly the car stopped. Blue risked opening one eye. 

They were on the side of the road. Gansey was gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles, Adam was leaning his head against steepled fingers, and Ronan was still asleep, peaceful and oblivious to it all. She quickly closed her eyes again.

“And then there’s Blue. I can’t scare her. She hasn’t said anything, but she’s probably scared enough because she’ll kiss me, and then I die.”

“That curse of hers didn’t come with terms and conditions?” Adam hissed. Sarcasm oozed from his voice. In that instance, Blue realized the depth of Adam Parrish and how cunning he could be when need be.

“It isn’t her fault,” Gansey whispered. “We don’t choose what we’re born with or without, and we don’t choose who we fall in love with. I couldn’t have chosen better.”

“You love her,” Adam said. It wasn’t an accusation, merely a statement of something he considered to be as plain as day.

“Absolutely. Does that bother you?”

Adam paused for a moment. “No. Gansey, I don’t think there are many things you could do to bother me right now.”

The car started again, and both of them fell silent. “I don’t want this to happen,” Adam finally whispered. 

“We aren’t in control. I don’t think we ever have been.” Gansey sighed. 

“We’re going to save you.”

“I don’t know if that’s possible, Adam.”

“At least let us try. For Blue.”

Gansey was silent, and Blue wanted to sob. In that instant, she wished that he had stayed asleep for this entire conversation. With a small chuckle, he whispered, “For Blue.”


	7. Things You Said Under the Stars and in the Grass

Adam had never gone stargazing before. It had never even been a thought that crossed his mind. Before tonight it had seemed pointless, and he had never had time. He supposed he still didn’t have time, between work and school and college applications and Cabeswater and Glendower, but it didn’t seem so pointless anymore. In fact, the tightness in his chest was gone. There was something about seeing patterns of stars painted on a dark sky that filled Adam with hope. 

He and Ronan laid on the hood of the BMW, side by side, close enough for their shoulders to brush together. Neither one of them had spoken for a while, yet Adam didn’t feel the need to break the silence. It wasn’t a weighted silence, but the type of silence where two people could live together in quiet tandem. 

This sort of thing had become nearly routine. Ronan would show up in the middle of the night, keys in hand and grinning fiercely, and Adam would follow. At first, Adam had been apprehensive. That was when he hadn’t truly known Ronan, though. He had thought that he had known Ronan, had thought that he was only comprised of anger, danger, and money. Ronan was all of those, but he was more, and Adam hadn’t thought to look any deeper. 

“Parrish, if you keep thinking so hard, your brain’s gonna explode,” Ronan said. “Shut that fucking machine down for once.”

Adam just shrugged and moved his arms to rest under his head, but in doing so, he elbowed Ronan hard enough to send him toppling from the hood.

“Fucking fuck!” Ronan shouted. He hit the ground with a thud.

“You alright?” Adam asked, scooting over. Ronan didn’t reply, but a hand grabbed Adam’s arm and yanked hard. “Ronan!” Adam rolled off the car and landed on top of Ronan, who took one look at Adam’s face and exploded with laughter. The sound was infectious. Soon enough, Adam was laughing, too, still sprawled over Ronan. 

When their laughter ran out, their faces were inches away. Adam watched as Ronan’s face slowly closed and his eyes filled with fear. He rolled off of him and onto the wet grass. Silence overtook them once more, but this time, it was heavy. When Adam glanced over, Ronan was biting at the leather bands on his wrists and deliberately looking anywhere but Adam.

“What am I doing?” Adam murmured, and Ronan flinched.

“Right, I’ll take you home. Star time is over.” Ronan made to get up, but Adam reached out and grabbed his wrist.

“Let go of me,” Ronan snarled. He tried to wrench away, but Adam just grabbed his other wrist. He made eye contact with Adam. His eyes looked very, very blue in the moonlight.

“Parrish, if you’re having some magic forest episode -”

“I’d like to kiss you. If that’s alright with you.”

Ronan recoiled. Maybe it was a trick of the light, but Adam swore his eyes were wet. “This isn’t funny.”

“Wasn’t trying to be funny.” Adam watched as Ronan fidgeted. “You know what, forget it.” 

“Wait.” Ronan took Adam’s hands in his. His palms were sweaty and his fingers trembled ever so slightly. He glanced down at their hands. “Are you sure you aren’t fucking with me?”

Adam didn’t respond. Instead, he cupped Ronan’s jaw, leaned forward, and kissed him gently. Ronan tensed at first, but when Adam didn’t pull back, he brought his hands to either side of Adam’s face. Adam allowed himself to be pulled closer. Ronan’s lips were soft, and although he had imagined this so many times, Adam felt the happiness over a real kiss suffocating him. 

Ronan was the one to pull back first. A smile, this one more innocent, came to Ronan’s lips. “Damn, Parrish, not bad.” He tried to sound arrogant, but it came out as wonderstruck. 

They laid next to each other, facing each other. Now that Adam had kissed him, Ronan was no longer being subtle about his staring. His eyes travelled down Adam’s body while he bit his lip. They made eye contact. Ronan asked a wordless question. Adam understood and nodded, so Ronan reached out, brushing Adam’s hair from his forehead. A part of Adam wanted to pull away, but he told himself that Ronan wasn’t his father, that Ronan wouldn’t hurt him. 

Ronan’s hand found his. He gently kissed his knuckles, then traced circles on Adam’s palm. Finally, he placed his thumb over his wrist, right where his pulse was.

“When you missed school, I used to worry,” Ronan whispered. “I worried that that shitbag had finally fucking done it. Both Gansey and I were just waiting to get a call telling us… you know.” He paused for a moment. “You’re so alive, Adam.”

Adam inhaled. It was too much to respond to, too much to know this all at once, to have his perspective flipped so drastically in the matter of minutes. “Can we go slow?” he whispered. 

“Yeah.”

Adam pulled Ronan’s head onto his chest. “This alright?”

Ronan laughed breathlessly. “Yeah.”

They slowly drifted back into a comfortable silence. 


	8. Things You Said When I Was Crying

The Camaro had broken down. Again. 

It wasn’t as if there was anything unusual about this time. It was the same problem as it always was. Something was different for Gansey, though. As he sat in his car, which was not moving now and would most likely not going to be moving anytime soon, it felt like his chest was collapsing and would be nothing but ruins in a few minutes. 

He pulled out his phone called for a tow truck. He still needed a ride, though. Adam and Ronan had gone off to do something with Cabeswater, so he went to another option. His heart raced as he dialled Blue’s number. She answered after three rings. “Hello, Dick.”

“Afternoon, Jane. I happen to be stranded. Do you think you could come give me a lift?”

“What’s in it for me?”

“My everlasting gratitude.”

“Deal.”

He described his location, and Blue hung up with the promise to get there soon. As soon as his phone was back in his pocket, he leaned his head against the wheel. 

He couldn’t catch a break. As soon as he thought one problem was solved, another sprung up, and it was always his job to solve it. If Noah was flickering in and out of existence and going about his general ghostly activities, he was the one who had make sure he got through it semi-whole. If Ronan was drinking or acting reckless, he was the one who took away the bottles, hid the keys to the BMW and Camaro, and made sure he didn’t dream anything that could kill him. If the bags under Adam’s eyes were growing, he felt like it was his responsibility to make sure he slept before he cut off a finger at the factory because he fell asleep on the job. If Blue’s curse was weighing on her too heavily, he had to stay away from her or go even closer. That all depended on what she wanted. The list went on and on.

_ Ungrateful and selfish, _ Gansey told himself as he stepped out the Camaro. He tried not to slam the door, because that could hurt something.  _ They’re your friends. You need to be glad they’re in your life _ . It was his duty to be there for his friends. 

If anyone asked how Gansey was feeling, he would always respond that he was doing absolutely fine. If anyone demanded to know exactly how he was feeling at that moment, he would still respond that he was fine. If Monmouth was on fire or the Camaro was upside down in a ditch or somebody was dead, that would warrant a different response. But all those events would mean that someone else being in trouble, too. It would hurt for him, but he would be more concerned for the others around him because that was the proper thing to do. 

Nobody wanted to hear the rich boy complain about his life. It wouldn’t be tasteful to air his problems out in front of his friends, Adam in particular. Adam worked for everything he got in his life, and he worked hard for it. On top of all that work, he was true to himself without a shadow of doubt. People like Adam were allowed to have problems; Gansey was not.

And then there was Blue. Put her anywhere from a Washington DC party to Nino’s, she would still be the same Blue. He changed based upon where he was and who he was with, his personality and manner of speech and smile molding to make whoever he was with the happiest they could be. Being Richard Gansey III was nothing but a lie. There were many versions of Richard Gansey III who all shared the same name and face. Gansey didn’t know which one was the closest to who he was. Probably the one who was smiling on the outside but breaking into pieces on the inside. 

He raised a hand to his face and felt something wet. His first reaction was to look up and check for rain, but when he saw that the sky was blue and cloudless, he realized that he was crying.  _ There I go, being weak again. _ He sat down on the ground and leaned against the Camaro, not bothering to wipe away the tears. 

He didn’t bother until he heard another car pull up. Blue. A wave of panic washed over him. Blue couldn’t see him crying. She couldn’t see him for what he really thought he was. 

“Gansey!” she called, running up to the car. There was a big smile on her face, but it disappeared when she saw his face. The smile’s disappearance only made his tears fall faster. “What happened?” She rushed to his side and started to sit down, but he quickly jumped to his feet.

“It’s nothing,” he said, and was disgusted to find that his voice was thick. 

Blue placed her hands on her hips and looked him up and down. “Doesn’t look like nothing.”

“Allergies, Jane.” He went for a joke, but she didn’t laugh. 

“Whatever it is, do you want to talk about it?” When he didn’t reply after a few moments, she rocked back on her heels. “Well, when I didn’t want to talk about why I was crying, I would write everything down I was feeling on paper. That way I got it out. And I promise whatever it is, it’ll be okay. I promise, Gansey.”

He managed a smile. “Thank you.” What he wanted to say was, “ _ I want to kiss you right now. There’s nothing more I want to do right now than kiss you _ .” But he couldn’t say that, so,  _ Thank you,  _ had to do. 

“Welcome,” she murmured, her face turning red. He wondered if she wanted to kiss him as much as he wanted to kiss her. 

He tried to silence his thoughts. That day would arrive eventually. He watched as she tucked a stray piece of hair back into her disaster of a ponytail and keep her skirt from blowing up in the wind.

Maybe it would come faster than anyone expected. 


	9. Things You Said Through Your Teeth

“Get up.” Those two words carried so many more things that Ronan assumed Adam wanted to say to him. Adam probably wanted to tell him to stop being such a child. To clean up the broken beer bottles. To stop breaking beer bottles in the first place. To stop lying facedown on the floor in the middle of the Monmouth living room. Just like Ronan, though, Adam knew that all those things were pointless to say.

Ronan had been trying to tell himself all that and more for nearly a month now. 

Adam sighed heavily and gathered some of the broken glass. “I’m not dragging you off the floor. Stand up and at least get onto the couch or something.” Adam swore quietly. Ronan turned his head to see that a little bit of blood was dripping from Adam’s finger. He had cut himself. Because of something Ronan had done. 

The thought didn’t motivate Ronan to get up, to do what Adam was asking. It made him want to sink past floor and into oblivion. 

“I can’t find you like this every night,” Adam said. Ronan didn’t reply. 

Adam threw the broken glass into the trash can forcefully. 

“He wouldn’t have wanted to see you like this. Ever.” Adam says this under his breath. Adam didn’t have to clarify on who “he” was. 

At this Ronan flipped himself over and dragged himself up so that he could slump against the wall. “Don’t you fucking dare tell me what he would have wanted.” The entire room was spinning. He was in that purgatory where he wasn’t quite drunk and he wasn’t quite sober, but just intoxicated enough to make it uncomfortable. 

“Ronan, Gansey -”

“Don’t fucking say his name!” Ronan slammed his fist against the ground. Adam didn’t even look at him, just swept up the remaining glass with a broom he had found. It had been only a month. Ronan hadn’t spoken his name once, not since he died. He couldn’t bring himself to say it. It was just a name, but it was  _ his  _ name. One of the only people who had ever given a damn about him and told him that he mattered, and Ronan had failed him. 

“Gansey wouldn’t want you to be doing this to yourself,” Adam continued calmly. 

“And how do you know exactly what he would’ve said?” Ronan snarled. “Do you get that special connection when you as good as kill someone?”

Adam flinched, but didn’t reply. Ronan felt a sense of miserable satisfaction. He didn’t know if he truly wanted anyone to care. A part of him wanted to wrap himself around Adam and cry until all his tears were gone, yet another part of him wanted to drive Adam away. The latter part was making its appearance.

“Stand up,” Adam said. “I’m not letting you do this to yourself.”

“Why?” Ronan folded his arms across his chest. “Just because he’s gone you feel like you have to babysit me? Make sure I don’t jump out a window because you feel like you fucking owe him?”

Adam didn’t saying anything, but put the broom down and walked over to Ronan. He knelt down, slung one of Ronan’s arm over his own shoulder, and hoisted him to his feet. “You’re going to bed.” Ronan was forced to move his feet as Adam half-dragged him to his own room. He expected Adam to just toss him onto the bed, but he gently laid him down. Ronan was perfectly capable of moving himself, but he let Adam swing his legs onto the bed, remove his shoes, and tuck the covers around him. After all that, he expected Adam to leave, but he sat down next to Ronan. He took Ronan’s hand. Ronan yanked it away. Adam sighed, and Ronan rolled over onto his side so that he wouldn’t have to look at Adam. 

“I’ll leave. Say the word.”

Ronan didn’t say anything, so Adam stood up and started for the door.

“I didn’t say to leave. You said to say the damn word when I wanted you to get the fuck out.” Ronan knew he was being childish, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. There was very little he cared about these days. 

“I want you to know something.” There was a harsh scraping noise that had the same effect of nails on a chalkboard. Adam was probably grinding his teeth together in frustration. He did that. It drove Ronan crazy. The bed sank down as he sat down on it. “I’m not doing this out of a sense of duty to Gansey. In case you forgot, I’m your boyfriend. I care about you not lying on the floor surrounded by broken glass.”

“Stop it,” Ronan snarled. A tear ran down his cheek, and he was very glad he was facing away from Ronan. 

“You forget I lost him, too.” These words were gritted out through clenched teeth. At that, Ronan rolled over to see that Adam was sitting with his shoulders slumped and his face in his hands. “I failed both of you.”

“Are you here because you feel like you failed me?” Ronan whispered. 

Adam turned his head slightly. “I’m here because I love you.”

With that, Ronan melted. He turned the covers down, and Adam wordlessly slipped in next to him. Ronan pulled the blankets up over them. 

“I love you, too,” he whispered. It wasn’t a promise that Adam wouldn’t find him in these circumstances again, but it was the best he could do tonight. He prayed that it would be enough for Adam.

Adam curled up next to him, one hand fisted in his shirt.

It would be enough for tonight. 


	10. Things You Said That I Wish You Hadn't

“You’re doing well.” Gansey was in the passenger seat of the Camaro, and Blue was driving. He had offered to help her with driving, and she had accepted. She thought that she was doing mildly well, despite being a little terrified and very inexperienced. She also thought that Gansey was being extremely patient with her, talking her through it every time she stalled the car. 

“Just well?” Blue asked, stopping the car. They were in the middle of nowhere, and it was late. Gansey got out of the passenger side, so Blue slid over into his seat. It was still warm, and that made Blue shiver. Maybe if Ronan or even Adam had been sitting there before, she wouldn’t have shivered, but the fact that Gansey had just been in that seat gave her goosebumps. 

“I’ll bump you up to very well.” Gansey started the car again, and they drove off. Blue wondered what his reaction would be if she reached over and smoothed out the little tuft of hair that didn’t quite lay flat, or if she smoothed the crumpled part of his collar out. She wondered if she would ever have the courage to do that, or if in some alternate universe, there was a Blue who could touch Gansey’s hair and smooth out his clothes and do more. If the opportunity arose, she wondered if she could switch places with that Blue. 

“I’ll accept that.” There was something ethereal about Gansey and the way he carried himself. She supposed that he lived in two worlds: one with school, her, the Camaro, Monmouth, and Adam and Ronan, and one with dead Welsh kings and magic. Gansey was never one thing. He was always ancient and new, light and dark, polite and ruthless, powerful and meek, teenager and old man. All of those things were swirled together into one Richard Gansey III. 

“You did do a very good job, in all seriousness.” The sincerity in his voice made Blue’s thoughts stutter. If they could ever have something together, where would Blue fit into his life? She tried to imagine being Gansey’s girlfriend.  _ Girlfriend _ . The thought of putting a name to what they had together both thrilled and terrified Blue. What would it be like, having him introduce her as his girlfriend? Being able to introduce him as her boyfriend? Bringing him home for dinner and kissing him goodnight without having to worry about killing him? Going on true dates? It wasn’t the first time in her life that Blue had wished for a shred of normalcy. 

“Thanks for helping me.” But they couldn’t date. Gansey would be dead within the year. Although it wasn’t as frequent, she still had jealous flashes where she envied Ronan and Adam. They had gotten him for so much longer. When all was said and done, he would have only been hers for a year. Then again, he had never really been hers. They had both been cautious; cautious of Blue’s curse, cautious of Adam’s feelings, cautious of the magical world that they walked in. Blue wondered what it would feel like to stop being cautious for once her life, to throw away all sensibility and just kiss Gansey right then and there. 

“Anytime.” It would be so easy to kiss him. She could cup his jaw, lean in, and press her lips against his. It wouldn’t be so easy, though, to live with what came after. For all she knew, he could drop dead the minute her lips met his. Her curse hadn’t come with instructions, so she just had to guess on the technicalities. 

“Guess what, Jane?” Gansey asked quietly. 

“What?”

“Take a guess.”

“You’re legally adopting Chainsaw. You finally caved in to Ronan.”

“However did you guess that?”

“I could see the longing looks.”

“Sadly, that is not it.” Gansey went silent, and Blue felt her palms start sweating. She wiped them on her cut-up shorts. The corners of his lips curled up. “I think I love you.”

There was static in Blue’s ears. He loved her. He said out loud that he loved her, which was exactly what she didn’t want to hear. To never speak those words to him, to never hear them spoken to her, would have made his death halfway bearable. She would have been able to lie to herself and say there would be someone else who made her feel half as alive as Gansey did, but now that the words were out in the open, she could never believe that lie. With him saying that he loved her, she had to admit to herself that she loved him, too.

“Blue?” His voice was trembling slightly. “I’m sorry, I -”

“I love you,” Blue blurted out. She stared out the window and watched the streetlights fly by and flicker in and out. “Gansey.” She felt broken on the inside. There was no going back, now, and the end was approaching. 


End file.
